Its 12am. I should be asleep, but i’m not that sleepy. Met some awesome people today. Very soon i’ll add an instrument called the Ukulele to my repertoire. But anyways. I’m thinking too, thats why I can’t sleep.
Thinking about this year. .Its gone by so fast. And for most of it, I’ve been sitting around worryi
ng about what people think. It was never about me. And that was wrong. When the year was starting, I wrote resolutions. Even random things like I will go to Zanzibar and I went (this has to be the AWESOMEST place in the world – May 2010) and I will own a car (I still have a month to win a lottery..tsk tsk)
But I guess i also learnt a lot about people. I don’t like people that much, I think everybody is amazing and everything but I prefer to keep my distance. Please don’t mistake that for being shy. Those who know me well, know i’m far from that. Anyways, I’m quite the planner. I like to have everything organized, I like to be on top of things, like i know where I will be in 2months, with who, doing what. That kind of stuff. When i was writing my resolutions, I made this year different because I realised that I was limiting myself to be within certain norms. And i was living within like a square, if i can call it that. So i threw caution to the wind. Wrong decision….bla bla bla…I’m not lamenting today…Yay!
Anyways, what I’m trying to say here today is that I am one of those girls that is normal. Despite all the crazy bullshit i’ve pulled this year, I AM NORmAL. Meaning, i still want to find happiness. I can feel it, but it’s still out of my reach. Its still too far. I still want to discover my identity. I still want to kiss someone under the fireworks on new years…that was my last resolution…if random things like Zanzibar could happen, then I think I can wish for anything. Me thinks 🙂
And I want people to take me seriously. Like so what if I’m 19 and its my first time away from home?? Stop talking to me like a pubescent teenager. I believe I’m very mature for my age. But, I promised myself that its never that serious. And i have been in Italy 2months..don’t pretend that you know me. You don’t. And 6months won’t be enough! Deal with it, when you have your kids, you can do what you want with them..yup. Anyway,where was I, oh yeah… Nothing beats cancer, death or an S.T.I. So i stopped over-fretting – Its never that serious …these 4words…have helped this past week be one of my faves this year. This is how i reasoned: If someone believes that there is a problem with the way you do things or just the way you generally behave and they don’t tell you, then its not really a problem. meaning its never that serious.
And I have this amazing chance to take what I learn here into Uni with me. I realised that part of the reasons why I chose to come here apart from finding myself, was that I didn’t want to start University without an identity. I know how easy it is to lose focus, especially for me. I chose not to start school because, I sincerely did not know who I was. And I hated that, because it made me feel vulnerable. I’m grateful that I am here, that I am looking at things in a whole new perspective, and I can feel elements of me, that I don’t believe were there. Its still a long time coming, but I think that by Dec 31st, I will be different…if not then in March. When I leave.
So, I was thinking the other day that I have nothing to go back home for. I am not talking about family and all that. Like I just want to start a fresh. The old me would have brought up excuses like my friends won’t understand why I want to be away from them…and they are not so many anymore, I realised. Then I realised, friends are there for you no matter what. No matter where you are. No matter the distance. So if they can’t be ok with me pursuing my dreams, and living my life,then its all a lie. Because I know I would support them if they won a scholarship to go study on the moon for 10years. I was scared to tell them that I would be leaving again, but I’m happy they understand me, and I believe they want whats best for me. And telling them proved to me that I wasn’t wrong. I love you guys more than you would ever imagine… :* Thank God I have no attachments with anyone. The way it was a big problem not so long ago…sigh..4real, its never that serious!! 😀 It would have been so hard telling them that we have to do a long distance thing…which never works for anyone. So even though I was so miserable about not having a special someone, I found out that it wasn’t possible for me to have this SUPER RELATIONSHIP and still go to school so far away. So I guess its me, and me, and me. Till someone comes along.
I get to choose what I want to do with myself. Thats the best part. I have to sleep..this week has to bee even better than last week
The broken arrow will be mended xx