Monthly Archives: December 2011

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Christmas Day

Location: Nyansiongo, Kisii

Playlist: Liquid Deep’s Fabrics of the Heart

Time: 10.05pm

There’s something peaceful about being in Kisii this time. It’s never been my most enjoyable places to visit, but this past few days before coming here, I’ve just been yearning to get away from the hustle and bustle that is the city and just come to the land of green tea, rolling hills, fresh air…and the best part that is how close the stars seem, it’s like you can tip toe and touch them. I am at my grandparents’ house, they live on a big ranch, and I had missed them too. Thank God there’s electricity, so I can use my laptop and carry my music with me.

I have kind of isolated myself from everybody, I just wanted time alone to reflect, meditate…etc I appreciate alone time so much, sometimes I’m broody though, which is OK. Depressing, but it works for me.  I will start on my new year resolutions, maybe tonight or on my way back to the city. I have learnt a lot about me this year. A lot about other people.

Today was awesome though, spending time with the people that I love, people that love me back unconditionally. But we are a very religious family so alcohol is completely out of the equation. Which sucks because I had become such a drunkard. Not the brightest choices but you can’t blame me…..Love sucked for me. I remember writing that if my relationship with M crumbles, I am done with relationships. I have to go back to the drawing board where being with someone doesn’t equal my happiness. I don’t want heartbreak again. Never again.

Happy Holidays!! x

 


I vented so much in this post!!

One moment I’m so happy, the other completely pissed off.

My sister is a very selfish person, and she always gets away with everything. Last night I got so mad, so fucking mad at her because of comments she was making about how tired she is….and she was in the house the whole day, I was at work. My mum needed help to label some things she’s supposed to sell in her shop and my dear sister had gone to sleep. When she finally agreed to help, she wasn’t pulling her weight and anything I was telling her she was ignoring. It all started on Sunday when I went for a concert that she didn’t want to go for earlier in the week. Or the stupid comments she makes when it comes to designing some clothes for my mums shop. She feels like she’s the artist, the only one with the artistic eye and that she’s the only one that can do it. She annoys me so much, and then she told my mum its unfair that I get to buy fabric to make the dresses I had wanted, she hasa refused to help me completely. I’m so done btw.

Me and my mum have the same phones, so we also have the same chargers. I forgot mine at a sleep over at my cousins house and yesterday I carried hers and forgot it in her shop. Around 11.40pm she asks for it and I tell her I’m sorry that I forgot it in her shop. And then she shouted at me for I don’t know how long. It was an honest mistake!!! Seriously, that shouting was too much. Then she goes to her room and comes back a few minutes later and apologizes.

Sometimes I don’t want to live with anybody, I feel like my life is so full of shit, I wish I could just start over. Everything in my life sucks. It’s not PMS, I just want to start with a clean slate next year. The only thing I believe that binds me to my so called family is money. I don’t have a source of income, I have to rely on my dear parents.

FuCk my life, I need a drink and its 7.30am.


8.42pm Sunday

Last night i was out out partying till 7am today. The plans for the night were to go with my best friend but she ended up not being able to come and I had to make do with the company that I had. We have been planning the weekend for such a long time, I was so ready for the night. Was ready to even tag M along but that plan also didn’t materialize. Still pretty pissed off about that.

Its complicated my life. Like I really need to stop them. It’s like I attract all the wrong things.

I just want to have fun for the rest of the year like yesterday…yesterday was fun.

My friend is asking if I am in love with M or it’s an obsession? Like what the fuck is the difference,you know? I don’t know if I should open another tab on my browser and Google the differences?

I have been sitting at home today just thinking, hydrating and reflecting. So many people made me passes at me in the club. I was so disgusted, scared, even thinking about it, like almost starting to entertain it and then I think about M….and I become so sad. Did I get cursed with endless years of suckie love? I even through those coins in the Fontana di Trevi to fall in love….Ha!

Fuck my life.


2011 can end now, thanks

December is finally here.

I think this year was just.

I don’t even know.

It gave me shit, I gave it attitude, I found love, I lost it.

There were far too many disappointments though, too many. I was so happy with the way the year started, everything was filled with happiness, everything was just radiating positivity.  I am sure things stopped being filled with images of pink unicorns and rainbows at some point around July, when I lost that one person that I loved (finally) to something that until this day, I cannot say what. I don’t know why God made me that I have to have someone in my life so that I can feel like my life is complete and that happiness can only be achieved when you have somebody in your life who feels the same way as you do. But i can say, that I regret. I regret my Illicit love, that’s what’s fucked up the rest of my year for me. And I did nothing wrong. Just wish I could go back to the beginning of the year and just rethink. I was too into this free spirit bullshit, I dint sit down and think about what would happen if this relationship took a turn for the worst.I never thought that far. Who does anyway? Who wants to think of impending doom when all you want to do is enjoy every moment that you have with the person that you love?

I’m thinking next year, that HAS TO change completely. I said to myself that this was going to be my last relationship, I have dated enough for my mere 20 years. I have been with people from all walks of life, that I’m sure. No more relationship bullshit for me next year. zero. And i’ll survive I know. I’m the one that complicated my life. A friend was telling me that everythig that i touch, I complicate. That’s very true. Another thing I’m doing is cutting out those stress factors in my life.

And i need to save. And i need to stop drinking to numb myself, that’s destructive behavior. I started doing that in August. And smoking too; though the smoking began way before….it’s reduced though 🙂 I’m happy with the progress av made thus far.

My Playlist right now:

Nneka – Heartbeat

Bruno Mars – It will rain

Florence and the machine – What the water gave me

Avicii- Levels

Ingrid Michaelson – Sort of

Bill Withers – Lovely Day

Dela – Adamu na Hawa