Monthly Archives: May 2012

Perspective.

Today is a Tuesday afternoon. I’m watching CNN with my grandmother and they are talking about war going on in Congo…As in as far as my memory goes, they have been fighting always. It’s so sad that somewhere in the world that’s the only life people know. You are born into a family and there is war, you become of age, and you are recruited into the army and you continue to fight this war. And here I am complaining how difficult my life is. Nairobi is relatively peaceful. Yesterday though, there was an explosion in downtown Nairobi and it left a lot of people shaken up. I hope the Alshabaab group from Somali leaves us Kenyans alone!! 

Anyway, I decided today, I’m going to stop fretting about that MAN I have been going on in my last few posts. He made me happy, he took me from that sad place, but now it feels like i’ve reached my end point of taking bullshit from someone. I only take so much. Maybe stuff about me changed, maybe we aren’t compatible anymore. I don’t know. It hurts, but when me and M broke up, I was crushed, I have a whole semester to account for. I don’t want to have other aspects of my life suffering. I think I’m still not ready to have somebody in my life. I still need to accept things about myself, I need to be self confident and to stop second guessing myself so much. When that happens, then I am ready to let someone into my life. To know someone, and to deal with all their flaws and faults…take it all in, and at the end of the day still want to be with them. I blame myself for everything that goes on. I’m going to miss him but it’s time for me to take charge of my life. Life is so short, I’m letting a lot of good things go because am concentrating so much on this undefined relationship. 

My best friend and I are planning a trip. To the South Coast of Kenya. I need to save up for that after I buy my blackberry. This trip we will take is going to be full of bonding and fun and relaxing. There will be no electronics and we will leave our cell phones and laptops in the City. Only cameras to capture the moments. I feel like I need it. To get away from all this bull I have going on in my life right now…those trips really do it for me. I remember when I went to my grandparents farm last December, when I came back I had a different perspective in life.

Its all about perspective. Get yours in check.


Compartmentalizing

This is my new talent.

The Merriam – Webster dictionary defines this it as dividing into categories or sections.

The last two weeks have been the longest in my life. Like I’ve been struggling to get through each day. School started, there are too many wrong things with that particular set up. There is a friend, there is me, there is the MAN I told you about. There was a lot of drama that resulted in me losing both the friend and the MAN…the friend is still lost to me….the MAN is in my life, but out of my reach.

I have this BIG problem with my ego, very big. I don’t let people get away with hurting me just like that. I feel like the many times that I’ve let people get away with wrong things, I’ve gotten hurt so much. I give my happiness to people to keep for me.
I really like this guy, a lot. I know I’m not ready for a relationship just yet, he isn’t either. Of course, as usual, am the one who feels like I’m giving 120% and he is giving 40% and he feels the same way, he’s giving 120% and I’m giving 40%. Our arguments are so intense, and we aren’t even dating, as in we don’t even agree to disagree. I’m just allergic to that type of bullshit…I want the honeymoon period to last forever. I hate fighting. I hate being sad because of a man. It eats at me, and affects all aspects of my life. It’s like he doesn’t get what I’m about anymore. And I want to leave, only if I’ve tried to fix things and I have failed.

I feel completely overwhelmed, I’m overwhelming my brain and I have so many books I have to read…I feel like it’s all that’s clouding my mind.

I need release.