Am a terrible person. I really am. I have pushed away people that I think really have my best interests at heart. For what? A guy? A shot at happiness? Saying goodbye to loneliness? Saying goodbye to the all to familiar feeling of reject?
I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. It’s all so overwhelming. I cry sometimes out of the blue. Like I’ll be talking to a someone in the hall at school and I will excuse myself, walk into a bathroom stall and cry for a good five minutes, then come out like nothing ever happened with a big smile.
I don’t know how to approach this situation. I feel totally disconnected with these new friends I made that I told you about. I feel like we are so different. And we are such a big group. I suck at being friends with a group of girls. I’ve never been one to have a big group of friends that I have to let into my life. Never. So when it happened, I embraced it. And being so eager to ‘please’ everyone, I guess I lost myself. Around this time, I met this amazing guy, who also happens to be a friend of the group. There has been so many issues the last two months. I can’t even describe myself in one word.
I hate it. Because I’ve always wanted to have my sh!t together, to look unfazed by everything. I’m such an easy book to read nowadays.
We have kind of dissolved things with the man in my life. But I don’t know why I’m not happy anymore. I feel like I have to constantly prove myself, or make myself heard, or wanted. And that’s not what an almost relationship should be about. We should still be at that honeymoon phase where there was a spring in my step, a permanent smile on my face. Good vibes first thing in the morning….I like him, but I feel like I have to prove myself so much to him. Then there is the aspect of him not liking me as much as I like him. And the realization of how true those words are when you hear them from someone else looking into your relationship. A mutual friend.
I ask myself at the back of my head though, why we should have so many back and forth discussions that make me feel like shit & guilty when it’s not even my fault most of the time..We aren’t even dating, which is what we agreed on. Which is why I think he is justified in the way he behaves. Towards me. Towards this ‘relationship’ of ours.
He thinks I’m pushing him away, It’s my insecurities. I hate to be made to feel stupid, that I have no substance in my head. I’ve had a lot of that, and maybe it feels like am pushing him away when I’m busy trying to quell my insecurities and be taken seriously for once in my life. Maybe there are some things that I should come clean about in my life, but I feel like it’s the past. I let the past affect me. Never. OK I try like shit to just bottle all that shit up. But I’m very insecure about myself, I don’t try to impress people, I just want everyone to approve of me.And right now I’m just feeling like I’m a bitch and that’s what everyone thinks and that they can’t trust me. or Rely on me. I feign indifference. But I go home everyday and I just feel like I wasted a whole day. I thought getting a new job would extricate me from all this shit going on in school but I still haven’t gotten any word on it. So am stuck in school, and I hate being there. I wish I could separate my life from it. All of it.
I don’t know what new project I should start…my best friend was telling me she wishes I took my trip to Italy at this point in my life with all this issues I have going on. And looking back, last year at a time like this was terrible for me. I used to feel like this all the time. Maybe it’s just an unlucky time in my life..I should be preparing by like May of every year for terrible things to happen to me. But I feel like if I run away from this many problems of mine, I won’t have learnt from the mistakes that made me leave 2 years ago.
Side Note: I honestly have no fucking idea about how to handle this situation. I need Help or a helper.