Author Archives: shashaixx

About shashaixx

My take on Life.

+My Emancipation Journey+

I’ve started on a new page.

God is in control of my life. I let Him go 2years ago, and I have been very sad ever since. I have acknowledged the big role he has played in my life.

I almost had a fatal accident two weeks ago. I literally saw the hand of God. I have been suicidal, and just when I’m about to give up, something miraculous just happens. I appreciate the prayers my parents and even my grandparents have been saying for me. Part of this journey too, is because I had really really hit rock bottom.

Then I literally experienced the ‘a door closes another, another one opens’ cliche. I was talking to a friend of mine in school who recently gave his life to Jesus and it’s those really unexpected people. I was shocked when he started the topic and then proceeded to share a book with me about to hell. I have established, I don’t want to go to HELL. It’s a bad place, a scary place, that wasn’t made for humans.

This past few days I’ve been praying, for myself my family and my friends. My only problem thus far is forgiving. The day i totally forgive the man that was in my life, I’ll believe how strong I am. I pray about it all the time. That’s the only way I’ll stop hating him for lying to me constantly, for cheating on me, for treating me like I was nothing. For saying horrible things about me to our friends. There are so many things, and it’s hard to forgive because I wake up each morning and it feels like I have to pick up from where I stopped the day before, trying to fix my tarnished reputation.

The day I wake up and everything feels fixed, I guess, is the day I’ll know I’ve forgiven him completely. I know that’s what God wants of me. My friend challenged me today, “If God can forgive the gravest of sins, why can’t you?”

I want to embrace this journey with God. Today a prophet gave a message for me from God.
That I like giving, and because of this, God will use me to do his work

That I am humble

He will give me concentration in my school work especially now when I’m juggling school & 2jobs.

That I shouldn’t stop someone when they are speaking

I have a big heart.

God has a plan for me. I’m starting on a clean slate. I guess I have to forgive the man that was in my life. My hesitation is costing me time, and hindering God’s work in me. I really have to change my lifestyle too accommodate His teachings.

The journey isn’t easy but I’m going to take the Lord’s hand and let him guide me.

I thank him for this EMANCIPATION

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life goes on

So am almost turning 21. So much has happened this year.
I’ve learnt so many lessons,made some new friends, lost some etc etc
I have no idea what to do for my 21st. I’m thinking a quiet get away for me myself and I. I don’t want anything over the top because I honestly don’t feel like being around people.
But there’s so much going on during that weekend. I really wish I had a significant other. The most previous one disappointed me so much, they’ve been other women in his life. I feel like the rebound chick. Never thought I’d be biting that end of the stick.
But then again,it is said that a lesson is taught over and over until you learn. Each time, the lesson is more painful.
Am jusy ay a weird place right now.
But don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the things I do have. Sometimes we dwell so much on the negatives, and the past that we forget to appreciate the present moment. Right now for example am sitted at a pizzeria…I like how I’m right in the middle of people but I’ve blocked all the noise out. And am looking out into the street and everyone is doing their own shit.
Life goes on. No matter what you think you’re facing; Life goes on.
Pick yourself up.

The broken arrow will be mended.


It’s Over

Back to Nairobi after a week at the Coast. Just what my feeble mind needed. It was a holiday free of technology, i.e. Phone, twitter, Facebook, everything.

I needed that break for many reasons.

* I lost myself, my will to live.

*Shocking revelations were made to me 2days before my trip, and  I realized then and then that I needed to just cut myself off from the world for the few days that I was going to be away. I thought a lot. Trying not to play victim in my sorry situation with the Man that was in my life, my financial situation and my fake ‘friends’ who have been spreading rumors about me all over the place. I was so hurt. Last Monday, I was just walking around in a daze. The Bullshit had just escalated to levels I couldn’t possibly control.

Honestly, I feel like am completely DONE with relationships. This time for real. I can’t handle the bullshit it comes with. The drama, the back and forth, and worst of all being compared to an EX!!!! Say anything else, but please don’t compare me with someone from your past. I tend to think I wish well for people, I generally want to keep out of people’s business and just be…His ex was far from that. And he went down that road. Some UGLY rumor is going round about me and him, which a friend of mine started and he says I can’t confront my friend because I will complicate things, and further more, its my fault that it’s even circulating in the first place. And he is the victim, and am the bitch in the situation, he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, and to be honest, am done trying. My life was so much easier without him. I’ve been told over and over, that if someone really wants to be with you, they will make time for you. No matter what. The joke has been on me. From the beginning. He has stood me up so many times, doesn’t bother to reschedule. I don’t blame my BFF for cornering him and asking him to stop the bullshit. She’s been seeing how much I hurt,plus the alcohol in her system, she went IN!! I know for a fact he hates to be confronted by his partners friends. However, I had no control over this confrontation. As in we’ve lost touch so much, he doesn’t know me anymore. So all in all, its better I count my losses and move on swiftly. Pick the lessons, and continue building up my list of the qualities I want in a man. However, I see myself not handling men in the near near future…give me a few years.

Qualities:

  1. Humble
  2. Respectful
  3. Funny
  4. Insightful
  5. Successful
  6. Supportive
  7. Open
  8. Remembers important dates
  9. HONEST
  10. Reliable
  11. Appreciative

What I don’t want:

  1. Arguing (to the minimum)
  2. PMSing (One woman read Me in the relationship is enough)
  3. Don’t talk to me like a child, like I can’t make fucking choices!
  4. Don’t ignore me
  5. Don’t lie to me
  6. Don’t disrespect my friends or family
  7. Don’t tell people about me when we break up.

However, I enjoyed the time I spent with my family. I realized that the love that we share, its without conditions, without boundaries. It’s genuine love. Something I haven’t experienced from any other person apart from my BFF. My ride or die bitch. She’s got my back always. Furthermore, I guess we are young. We can’t expect to meet somebody and settle down with them while other people out there are being taught the hardest of lessons by the powers that be. Lemme enjoy life, the people that want me in theirs and totally ignore the things/persons that don’t make me happy. Hopefully, the hurtful experiences will become less and less as I become older. I turn 21 soon. Its time to put the brakes on A LOT.

The broken arrow will be mended.

xx

 



climax…

The song playing right now is Climax by Usher. The perfect song for what I’m feeling. I’m crying my eyes out. My friends had an intervention for me today. They really don’t like the man in my life. At all. And they have reason to. A relative of his told a friend of mine that he said that I was nothing to him. It’s not serious. We have no future. I feel like shit. To be honest, I don’t know why I thought He would be different. 

He said all the right things, at the right time, and I believed them all. All the empty promises. All the sweet little nothings…All of it was a lie. I can’t believe it. And apparently he has a bad boy thing going on. I didn’t see it. It’s a pattern he has established and he is known for. Why the universe chose me to be his next muse, is beyond me. Especially after all the BS i’ve put up with in the past from significant others. I thought this time the universe was going to cut me some slack. He chose to show me the sides he knew I wanted to see. My BFF is tired of talking about him and this whole situation; She has washed her hands and I quote. This is the only way I can release my frustrations and hopefully move on. Somehow.

 And here I was thinking my friends just want to mess my life up. They have done research on him and they came to me when they have enough proof so that I don’t brush them off as I have been doing for the past few weeks. I have never dated somebody like him, of his supposed class…apparently people of his upbringing socialize with people of a certain caliber and I will never make the cut. Am just a mess…sitted here with a box of tissues, bawling my eyes out.

What the fuck do I do? I don’t even want to look at him or be near him. I hate liars.

Why am I so unlucky?? Shit… 😥


How I lost myself

Am a terrible person. I really am. I have pushed away people that I think really have my best interests at heart. For what? A guy? A shot at happiness? Saying goodbye to loneliness? Saying goodbye to the all to familiar feeling of reject?

I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. It’s all so overwhelming. I cry sometimes out of the blue. Like I’ll be talking to a someone in the hall at school and I will excuse myself, walk into a bathroom stall and cry for a good five minutes, then come out like nothing ever happened with a big smile.

I don’t know how to approach this situation. I feel totally disconnected with these new friends I made that I told you about. I feel like we are so different. And we are such a big group. I suck at being friends with a group of  girls. I’ve never been one to have a big group of friends that I have to let into my life. Never. So when it happened, I embraced it. And being so eager to ‘please’ everyone, I guess I lost myself. Around this time, I met this amazing guy, who also happens to be a friend of the group. There has been so many issues the last two months. I can’t even describe myself in one word.

I hate it. Because I’ve always wanted to have my sh!t together, to look unfazed by everything. I’m such an easy book to read nowadays.

We have kind of dissolved things with the man in my life. But I don’t know why I’m not happy anymore. I feel like I have to constantly prove myself, or make myself heard, or wanted. And that’s not what an almost relationship should be about. We should still be at that honeymoon phase where there was a spring in my step, a permanent smile on my face. Good vibes first thing in the morning….I like him, but I feel like I have to prove myself so much to him. Then there is the aspect of him not liking me as much as I like him. And the realization of how true those words are when you hear them from someone else looking into your relationship. A mutual friend.

I ask myself at the back of my head though, why we should have so many back and forth discussions that make me feel like shit & guilty when it’s not even my fault most of the time..We aren’t even dating, which is what we agreed on. Which is why I think he is justified in the way he behaves. Towards me. Towards this ‘relationship’ of ours.

He thinks I’m pushing him away, It’s my insecurities. I hate to be made to feel stupid, that I have no substance in my head. I’ve had a lot of that, and maybe it feels like am pushing him away when I’m busy trying to quell my insecurities and be taken seriously for once in my life. Maybe there are some things that I should come clean about in my life, but I feel like it’s the past. I let the past affect me. Never. OK I try like shit to just bottle all that shit up. But I’m very insecure about myself, I don’t try to impress people, I just want everyone to approve of me.And right now I’m just feeling like I’m a bitch and that’s what everyone thinks and that they can’t trust me. or Rely on me. I feign indifference. But I go home everyday and I just feel like I wasted a whole day. I thought getting a new job would extricate me from all this shit going on in school but I still haven’t gotten any word on it. So am stuck in school, and I hate being there. I wish I could separate my life from it. All of it.

I don’t know what new project I should start…my best friend was telling me she wishes I took my trip to Italy at this point in my life with all this issues I have going on. And looking back, last year at a time like this was terrible for me. I used to feel like this all the time. Maybe it’s just an unlucky time in my life..I should be preparing by like May of every year for terrible things to happen to me. But I feel like if I run away from this many problems of mine, I won’t have learnt from the mistakes that made me leave 2 years ago.

Side Note: I honestly have no fucking idea about how to handle this situation. I need Help or a helper.


Perspective.

Today is a Tuesday afternoon. I’m watching CNN with my grandmother and they are talking about war going on in Congo…As in as far as my memory goes, they have been fighting always. It’s so sad that somewhere in the world that’s the only life people know. You are born into a family and there is war, you become of age, and you are recruited into the army and you continue to fight this war. And here I am complaining how difficult my life is. Nairobi is relatively peaceful. Yesterday though, there was an explosion in downtown Nairobi and it left a lot of people shaken up. I hope the Alshabaab group from Somali leaves us Kenyans alone!! 

Anyway, I decided today, I’m going to stop fretting about that MAN I have been going on in my last few posts. He made me happy, he took me from that sad place, but now it feels like i’ve reached my end point of taking bullshit from someone. I only take so much. Maybe stuff about me changed, maybe we aren’t compatible anymore. I don’t know. It hurts, but when me and M broke up, I was crushed, I have a whole semester to account for. I don’t want to have other aspects of my life suffering. I think I’m still not ready to have somebody in my life. I still need to accept things about myself, I need to be self confident and to stop second guessing myself so much. When that happens, then I am ready to let someone into my life. To know someone, and to deal with all their flaws and faults…take it all in, and at the end of the day still want to be with them. I blame myself for everything that goes on. I’m going to miss him but it’s time for me to take charge of my life. Life is so short, I’m letting a lot of good things go because am concentrating so much on this undefined relationship. 

My best friend and I are planning a trip. To the South Coast of Kenya. I need to save up for that after I buy my blackberry. This trip we will take is going to be full of bonding and fun and relaxing. There will be no electronics and we will leave our cell phones and laptops in the City. Only cameras to capture the moments. I feel like I need it. To get away from all this bull I have going on in my life right now…those trips really do it for me. I remember when I went to my grandparents farm last December, when I came back I had a different perspective in life.

Its all about perspective. Get yours in check.