Category Archives: After Italy

How I lost myself

Am a terrible person. I really am. I have pushed away people that I think really have my best interests at heart. For what? A guy? A shot at happiness? Saying goodbye to loneliness? Saying goodbye to the all to familiar feeling of reject?

I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. It’s all so overwhelming. I cry sometimes out of the blue. Like I’ll be talking to a someone in the hall at school and I will excuse myself, walk into a bathroom stall and cry for a good five minutes, then come out like nothing ever happened with a big smile.

I don’t know how to approach this situation. I feel totally disconnected with these new friends I made that I told you about. I feel like we are so different. And we are such a big group. I suck at being friends with a group of  girls. I’ve never been one to have a big group of friends that I have to let into my life. Never. So when it happened, I embraced it. And being so eager to ‘please’ everyone, I guess I lost myself. Around this time, I met this amazing guy, who also happens to be a friend of the group. There has been so many issues the last two months. I can’t even describe myself in one word.

I hate it. Because I’ve always wanted to have my sh!t together, to look unfazed by everything. I’m such an easy book to read nowadays.

We have kind of dissolved things with the man in my life. But I don’t know why I’m not happy anymore. I feel like I have to constantly prove myself, or make myself heard, or wanted. And that’s not what an almost relationship should be about. We should still be at that honeymoon phase where there was a spring in my step, a permanent smile on my face. Good vibes first thing in the morning….I like him, but I feel like I have to prove myself so much to him. Then there is the aspect of him not liking me as much as I like him. And the realization of how true those words are when you hear them from someone else looking into your relationship. A mutual friend.

I ask myself at the back of my head though, why we should have so many back and forth discussions that make me feel like shit & guilty when it’s not even my fault most of the time..We aren’t even dating, which is what we agreed on. Which is why I think he is justified in the way he behaves. Towards me. Towards this ‘relationship’ of ours.

He thinks I’m pushing him away, It’s my insecurities. I hate to be made to feel stupid, that I have no substance in my head. I’ve had a lot of that, and maybe it feels like am pushing him away when I’m busy trying to quell my insecurities and be taken seriously for once in my life. Maybe there are some things that I should come clean about in my life, but I feel like it’s the past. I let the past affect me. Never. OK I try like shit to just bottle all that shit up. But I’m very insecure about myself, I don’t try to impress people, I just want everyone to approve of me.And right now I’m just feeling like I’m a bitch and that’s what everyone thinks and that they can’t trust me. or Rely on me. I feign indifference. But I go home everyday and I just feel like I wasted a whole day. I thought getting a new job would extricate me from all this shit going on in school but I still haven’t gotten any word on it. So am stuck in school, and I hate being there. I wish I could separate my life from it. All of it.

I don’t know what new project I should start…my best friend was telling me she wishes I took my trip to Italy at this point in my life with all this issues I have going on. And looking back, last year at a time like this was terrible for me. I used to feel like this all the time. Maybe it’s just an unlucky time in my life..I should be preparing by like May of every year for terrible things to happen to me. But I feel like if I run away from this many problems of mine, I won’t have learnt from the mistakes that made me leave 2 years ago.

Side Note: I honestly have no fucking idea about how to handle this situation. I need Help or a helper.

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…*…

Christmas Day

Location: Nyansiongo, Kisii

Playlist: Liquid Deep’s Fabrics of the Heart

Time: 10.05pm

There’s something peaceful about being in Kisii this time. It’s never been my most enjoyable places to visit, but this past few days before coming here, I’ve just been yearning to get away from the hustle and bustle that is the city and just come to the land of green tea, rolling hills, fresh air…and the best part that is how close the stars seem, it’s like you can tip toe and touch them. I am at my grandparents’ house, they live on a big ranch, and I had missed them too. Thank God there’s electricity, so I can use my laptop and carry my music with me.

I have kind of isolated myself from everybody, I just wanted time alone to reflect, meditate…etc I appreciate alone time so much, sometimes I’m broody though, which is OK. Depressing, but it works for me.  I will start on my new year resolutions, maybe tonight or on my way back to the city. I have learnt a lot about me this year. A lot about other people.

Today was awesome though, spending time with the people that I love, people that love me back unconditionally. But we are a very religious family so alcohol is completely out of the equation. Which sucks because I had become such a drunkard. Not the brightest choices but you can’t blame me…..Love sucked for me. I remember writing that if my relationship with M crumbles, I am done with relationships. I have to go back to the drawing board where being with someone doesn’t equal my happiness. I don’t want heartbreak again. Never again.

Happy Holidays!! x

 


2011 can end now, thanks

December is finally here.

I think this year was just.

I don’t even know.

It gave me shit, I gave it attitude, I found love, I lost it.

There were far too many disappointments though, too many. I was so happy with the way the year started, everything was filled with happiness, everything was just radiating positivity.  I am sure things stopped being filled with images of pink unicorns and rainbows at some point around July, when I lost that one person that I loved (finally) to something that until this day, I cannot say what. I don’t know why God made me that I have to have someone in my life so that I can feel like my life is complete and that happiness can only be achieved when you have somebody in your life who feels the same way as you do. But i can say, that I regret. I regret my Illicit love, that’s what’s fucked up the rest of my year for me. And I did nothing wrong. Just wish I could go back to the beginning of the year and just rethink. I was too into this free spirit bullshit, I dint sit down and think about what would happen if this relationship took a turn for the worst.I never thought that far. Who does anyway? Who wants to think of impending doom when all you want to do is enjoy every moment that you have with the person that you love?

I’m thinking next year, that HAS TO change completely. I said to myself that this was going to be my last relationship, I have dated enough for my mere 20 years. I have been with people from all walks of life, that I’m sure. No more relationship bullshit for me next year. zero. And i’ll survive I know. I’m the one that complicated my life. A friend was telling me that everythig that i touch, I complicate. That’s very true. Another thing I’m doing is cutting out those stress factors in my life.

And i need to save. And i need to stop drinking to numb myself, that’s destructive behavior. I started doing that in August. And smoking too; though the smoking began way before….it’s reduced though 🙂 I’m happy with the progress av made thus far.

My Playlist right now:

Nneka – Heartbeat

Bruno Mars – It will rain

Florence and the machine – What the water gave me

Avicii- Levels

Ingrid Michaelson – Sort of

Bill Withers – Lovely Day

Dela – Adamu na Hawa

 


Can’t.Breathe.

i’m fucking suffocating. Not literally, that’s hw I feel! There’s this song I love so much right now. Its called Time and it’s by Chase and Status featuring Delilah. I like it,.and I got it only yesterday. I am in love. That is the only logical explanation as to why I have let my pride reach the lowest levels ever. It’s fucking crazy. Why can’t my life go back to how it was in May? So perfect.
I had sworn that this last few days of the year, I will make awesome because I cant be sad 80percent of 2011. That just isn’t right.
I have exams coming up next week, I have had so much going on this past few weeks, I dont know if its too early or to late to say I don’t think i’m prepared.
Fuck my life! Can one thing just go as planned? My heart is breaking, my head is cracking….i feel like my system is shutting down. I wanna be in the first quarter of my class…thats the best part. Av gotta Work!
I need a holiday.
I need M.
I need a bottle of Rosè
and Nneka’s music!
The Broken Arrow will be mended
😦


July

I hate July. July is the coldest month of the year, and everything always seems 10times worse than it is. According to me, that is.

My LoveLife, the one I was ecstatic about…I just don’t know anymore. I miss being the only person to be worried about, I’m not selfish, but I was doing me this year, right?? And then my ex, is resurfacing. How complicated can sh!t get….dang!

All wasn’t crappy this July thoughI have met some amazing people this July, Kemie, the girl I met and in a week I had told her almost everything about me….call it whatever you want, but I was drawn to her and we just connected. Too bad she’s so far away for school and the next time I get to see her is in December 😦 And I have really enjoyed some quality time with my best friends, we spend every weekend we spend together.

I’m looking forward to August because I get to meet my Italian friends, and go to Lamu on holiday…still thinking whether I should go as a single person or as a couple….yup, it’s some messed up shit….anyways, thats all I had for today…

 

Goodnight, and ps this Arrow feels like its breaking again :*


Changes

Hello Hello…it’s been a while and then some, so much has happened in my life…I just never have time to update this blog in particular, I think it’s because most of the posts I have here are so S.A.D and E.M.O that I think I just want out, I don’t want to keep on thinking about the past, and to be honest anytime I think of posting here I feel this sadness coming, I don’t know why.

Anyways, home has been perfect; the love life was too, until a certain point in all relationships they call the end of the honeymoon and you have those long unexplained silences, the ones that last 48hours. The ones where you think THIS IS IT, IT’S OVER and then the next day you get a very cute text telling you that this or the other came up or better yet you were too tired, and I smile and say ok, it’s fine…then I tell myself that your  life daent have to revolve around mine.

In this few weeks too, I’ve been called SELFISH, I have changed, I’m a bit too bitchy and that I say things that hurt people… Personally, I will quote the proverb that says, “Every path has its puddle” …imagine from here it’s onwards…as long as I don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. Everybody evolves at their own time

I’m sorry if putting my happiness first affects you in any way (ok, not really, but oh well *shrugs*)…I had to learn to adapt to living with complete strangers, who don’t know where I come from, my background, who don’t really give a fuck really and I had to stand up for myself and get a voice of my own..I’m sorry that you just don’t get it….I love you anyways, and I hope one day we can move past this and when the time comes,I will be more open towards the CHANGES that are going on in your life

I like HOUSE music…for you that don’t get it…IDK what to say even…I still don’t like Kenyan music much…still the same old same old…JustABand, STL, Ma3 etc etc #thatisall

I’m a bit stressed about school too,they called me to the wrong campus, something about Cluster points being too low…I’ve even thought of changing my major to International Relations instead of Law…but then again, I’m those people who will never be content with that decision. So I’m still trying to talk to the guys at the Uni…wish me Luck!

I like my ‘independence’ nowadays, my parents let me make decisions, I enjoy what I do in my mums shop so much, and the perks are good too, I’m learning people skills, from dealing with my mums crazy workers, to irritating customers. Surprisingly, I really don’t mind so much that I have to be up by 5.30 everyday. One thing I don’t like is how I have to pay for everything nowadays, anything to do with me, I have to take care of…it’s painful but then again…atleast I get to learn early how to appreciate what I have and to BUDGET! and to value things…hadi lunch and my hair and fuel!! 😦

Then there’s the new friend I made courtesy of the Madam…how coincidental is it that my ex boyfriend and his ex girlfriend left us for each other….I think that the world is so small…anyway fuck them!! Lying to us behind our backs!! J is a pretty awesome person!!

All in all, so far, it’s ok. I wake up some days and want to go back to bed, others I can’t wait for the night to get finished. I love all the people in my life so much. Ofcourse when I remember I mention it.

I’m falling in love, ofcourse I’m fighting it…but this zing zing feelings don’t feel like they are going away anytime soon….but I promised myself I will not say those 3magic words first…

Have a good rest of the week

xx