Category Archives: Pain

How I lost myself

Am a terrible person. I really am. I have pushed away people that I think really have my best interests at heart. For what? A guy? A shot at happiness? Saying goodbye to loneliness? Saying goodbye to the all to familiar feeling of reject?

I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. It’s all so overwhelming. I cry sometimes out of the blue. Like I’ll be talking to a someone in the hall at school and I will excuse myself, walk into a bathroom stall and cry for a good five minutes, then come out like nothing ever happened with a big smile.

I don’t know how to approach this situation. I feel totally disconnected with these new friends I made that I told you about. I feel like we are so different. And we are such a big group. I suck at being friends with a group of  girls. I’ve never been one to have a big group of friends that I have to let into my life. Never. So when it happened, I embraced it. And being so eager to ‘please’ everyone, I guess I lost myself. Around this time, I met this amazing guy, who also happens to be a friend of the group. There has been so many issues the last two months. I can’t even describe myself in one word.

I hate it. Because I’ve always wanted to have my sh!t together, to look unfazed by everything. I’m such an easy book to read nowadays.

We have kind of dissolved things with the man in my life. But I don’t know why I’m not happy anymore. I feel like I have to constantly prove myself, or make myself heard, or wanted. And that’s not what an almost relationship should be about. We should still be at that honeymoon phase where there was a spring in my step, a permanent smile on my face. Good vibes first thing in the morning….I like him, but I feel like I have to prove myself so much to him. Then there is the aspect of him not liking me as much as I like him. And the realization of how true those words are when you hear them from someone else looking into your relationship. A mutual friend.

I ask myself at the back of my head though, why we should have so many back and forth discussions that make me feel like shit & guilty when it’s not even my fault most of the time..We aren’t even dating, which is what we agreed on. Which is why I think he is justified in the way he behaves. Towards me. Towards this ‘relationship’ of ours.

He thinks I’m pushing him away, It’s my insecurities. I hate to be made to feel stupid, that I have no substance in my head. I’ve had a lot of that, and maybe it feels like am pushing him away when I’m busy trying to quell my insecurities and be taken seriously for once in my life. Maybe there are some things that I should come clean about in my life, but I feel like it’s the past. I let the past affect me. Never. OK I try like shit to just bottle all that shit up. But I’m very insecure about myself, I don’t try to impress people, I just want everyone to approve of me.And right now I’m just feeling like I’m a bitch and that’s what everyone thinks and that they can’t trust me. or Rely on me. I feign indifference. But I go home everyday and I just feel like I wasted a whole day. I thought getting a new job would extricate me from all this shit going on in school but I still haven’t gotten any word on it. So am stuck in school, and I hate being there. I wish I could separate my life from it. All of it.

I don’t know what new project I should start…my best friend was telling me she wishes I took my trip to Italy at this point in my life with all this issues I have going on. And looking back, last year at a time like this was terrible for me. I used to feel like this all the time. Maybe it’s just an unlucky time in my life..I should be preparing by like May of every year for terrible things to happen to me. But I feel like if I run away from this many problems of mine, I won’t have learnt from the mistakes that made me leave 2 years ago.

Side Note: I honestly have no fucking idea about how to handle this situation. I need Help or a helper.

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Compartmentalizing

This is my new talent.

The Merriam – Webster dictionary defines this it as dividing into categories or sections.

The last two weeks have been the longest in my life. Like I’ve been struggling to get through each day. School started, there are too many wrong things with that particular set up. There is a friend, there is me, there is the MAN I told you about. There was a lot of drama that resulted in me losing both the friend and the MAN…the friend is still lost to me….the MAN is in my life, but out of my reach.

I have this BIG problem with my ego, very big. I don’t let people get away with hurting me just like that. I feel like the many times that I’ve let people get away with wrong things, I’ve gotten hurt so much. I give my happiness to people to keep for me.
I really like this guy, a lot. I know I’m not ready for a relationship just yet, he isn’t either. Of course, as usual, am the one who feels like I’m giving 120% and he is giving 40% and he feels the same way, he’s giving 120% and I’m giving 40%. Our arguments are so intense, and we aren’t even dating, as in we don’t even agree to disagree. I’m just allergic to that type of bullshit…I want the honeymoon period to last forever. I hate fighting. I hate being sad because of a man. It eats at me, and affects all aspects of my life. It’s like he doesn’t get what I’m about anymore. And I want to leave, only if I’ve tried to fix things and I have failed.

I feel completely overwhelmed, I’m overwhelming my brain and I have so many books I have to read…I feel like it’s all that’s clouding my mind.

I need release.


…..I…..

I’m here in my room thinking long and hard. I have exams starting tommorrow, and I’m just so tired. I discovered today that M is finally graduating.  I remember when I used to be the first person to know the things going on in M’s life….anyway…I wish M only the best in life.

I read somewhere, that when you forget why you are hurt, then you are healed. I feel like that’s a done story. That ship has sailed, It’s probably in Iceland by now even.

Today, the new man in my life and I met. I have a confession, I am taller than him by half an inch. Today I noticed, I don’t know why. I don’t know why I’m already looking for a reason to  jolt. He is perfect. And I haven’t spoken to him the whole day, like from 12 pm and I’m feeling sick. Am I falling in love. I have been reading and drifting off, thinking about him. I feel a bit stupid because we both have exams and I’m probably the one overthinking.

I love his presence in my life…Honestly I do.

I need to pass this exam I have tommorrow, lemme continue reading.

I hope everybody had a good easter weekend, I wish you all the best in the week ahead…xoImage


I vented so much in this post!!

One moment I’m so happy, the other completely pissed off.

My sister is a very selfish person, and she always gets away with everything. Last night I got so mad, so fucking mad at her because of comments she was making about how tired she is….and she was in the house the whole day, I was at work. My mum needed help to label some things she’s supposed to sell in her shop and my dear sister had gone to sleep. When she finally agreed to help, she wasn’t pulling her weight and anything I was telling her she was ignoring. It all started on Sunday when I went for a concert that she didn’t want to go for earlier in the week. Or the stupid comments she makes when it comes to designing some clothes for my mums shop. She feels like she’s the artist, the only one with the artistic eye and that she’s the only one that can do it. She annoys me so much, and then she told my mum its unfair that I get to buy fabric to make the dresses I had wanted, she hasa refused to help me completely. I’m so done btw.

Me and my mum have the same phones, so we also have the same chargers. I forgot mine at a sleep over at my cousins house and yesterday I carried hers and forgot it in her shop. Around 11.40pm she asks for it and I tell her I’m sorry that I forgot it in her shop. And then she shouted at me for I don’t know how long. It was an honest mistake!!! Seriously, that shouting was too much. Then she goes to her room and comes back a few minutes later and apologizes.

Sometimes I don’t want to live with anybody, I feel like my life is so full of shit, I wish I could just start over. Everything in my life sucks. It’s not PMS, I just want to start with a clean slate next year. The only thing I believe that binds me to my so called family is money. I don’t have a source of income, I have to rely on my dear parents.

FuCk my life, I need a drink and its 7.30am.


2011 can end now, thanks

December is finally here.

I think this year was just.

I don’t even know.

It gave me shit, I gave it attitude, I found love, I lost it.

There were far too many disappointments though, too many. I was so happy with the way the year started, everything was filled with happiness, everything was just radiating positivity.  I am sure things stopped being filled with images of pink unicorns and rainbows at some point around July, when I lost that one person that I loved (finally) to something that until this day, I cannot say what. I don’t know why God made me that I have to have someone in my life so that I can feel like my life is complete and that happiness can only be achieved when you have somebody in your life who feels the same way as you do. But i can say, that I regret. I regret my Illicit love, that’s what’s fucked up the rest of my year for me. And I did nothing wrong. Just wish I could go back to the beginning of the year and just rethink. I was too into this free spirit bullshit, I dint sit down and think about what would happen if this relationship took a turn for the worst.I never thought that far. Who does anyway? Who wants to think of impending doom when all you want to do is enjoy every moment that you have with the person that you love?

I’m thinking next year, that HAS TO change completely. I said to myself that this was going to be my last relationship, I have dated enough for my mere 20 years. I have been with people from all walks of life, that I’m sure. No more relationship bullshit for me next year. zero. And i’ll survive I know. I’m the one that complicated my life. A friend was telling me that everythig that i touch, I complicate. That’s very true. Another thing I’m doing is cutting out those stress factors in my life.

And i need to save. And i need to stop drinking to numb myself, that’s destructive behavior. I started doing that in August. And smoking too; though the smoking began way before….it’s reduced though 🙂 I’m happy with the progress av made thus far.

My Playlist right now:

Nneka – Heartbeat

Bruno Mars – It will rain

Florence and the machine – What the water gave me

Avicii- Levels

Ingrid Michaelson – Sort of

Bill Withers – Lovely Day

Dela – Adamu na Hawa

 


Can’t.Breathe.

i’m fucking suffocating. Not literally, that’s hw I feel! There’s this song I love so much right now. Its called Time and it’s by Chase and Status featuring Delilah. I like it,.and I got it only yesterday. I am in love. That is the only logical explanation as to why I have let my pride reach the lowest levels ever. It’s fucking crazy. Why can’t my life go back to how it was in May? So perfect.
I had sworn that this last few days of the year, I will make awesome because I cant be sad 80percent of 2011. That just isn’t right.
I have exams coming up next week, I have had so much going on this past few weeks, I dont know if its too early or to late to say I don’t think i’m prepared.
Fuck my life! Can one thing just go as planned? My heart is breaking, my head is cracking….i feel like my system is shutting down. I wanna be in the first quarter of my class…thats the best part. Av gotta Work!
I need a holiday.
I need M.
I need a bottle of Rosè
and Nneka’s music!
The Broken Arrow will be mended
😦