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life goes on

So am almost turning 21. So much has happened this year.
I’ve learnt so many lessons,made some new friends, lost some etc etc
I have no idea what to do for my 21st. I’m thinking a quiet get away for me myself and I. I don’t want anything over the top because I honestly don’t feel like being around people.
But there’s so much going on during that weekend. I really wish I had a significant other. The most previous one disappointed me so much, they’ve been other women in his life. I feel like the rebound chick. Never thought I’d be biting that end of the stick.
But then again,it is said that a lesson is taught over and over until you learn. Each time, the lesson is more painful.
Am jusy ay a weird place right now.
But don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the things I do have. Sometimes we dwell so much on the negatives, and the past that we forget to appreciate the present moment. Right now for example am sitted at a pizzeria…I like how I’m right in the middle of people but I’ve blocked all the noise out. And am looking out into the street and everyone is doing their own shit.
Life goes on. No matter what you think you’re facing; Life goes on.
Pick yourself up.

The broken arrow will be mended.


It’s Over

Back to Nairobi after a week at the Coast. Just what my feeble mind needed. It was a holiday free of technology, i.e. Phone, twitter, Facebook, everything.

I needed that break for many reasons.

* I lost myself, my will to live.

*Shocking revelations were made to me 2days before my trip, and  I realized then and then that I needed to just cut myself off from the world for the few days that I was going to be away. I thought a lot. Trying not to play victim in my sorry situation with the Man that was in my life, my financial situation and my fake ‘friends’ who have been spreading rumors about me all over the place. I was so hurt. Last Monday, I was just walking around in a daze. The Bullshit had just escalated to levels I couldn’t possibly control.

Honestly, I feel like am completely DONE with relationships. This time for real. I can’t handle the bullshit it comes with. The drama, the back and forth, and worst of all being compared to an EX!!!! Say anything else, but please don’t compare me with someone from your past. I tend to think I wish well for people, I generally want to keep out of people’s business and just be…His ex was far from that. And he went down that road. Some UGLY rumor is going round about me and him, which a friend of mine started and he says I can’t confront my friend because I will complicate things, and further more, its my fault that it’s even circulating in the first place. And he is the victim, and am the bitch in the situation, he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, and to be honest, am done trying. My life was so much easier without him. I’ve been told over and over, that if someone really wants to be with you, they will make time for you. No matter what. The joke has been on me. From the beginning. He has stood me up so many times, doesn’t bother to reschedule. I don’t blame my BFF for cornering him and asking him to stop the bullshit. She’s been seeing how much I hurt,plus the alcohol in her system, she went IN!! I know for a fact he hates to be confronted by his partners friends. However, I had no control over this confrontation. As in we’ve lost touch so much, he doesn’t know me anymore. So all in all, its better I count my losses and move on swiftly. Pick the lessons, and continue building up my list of the qualities I want in a man. However, I see myself not handling men in the near near future…give me a few years.

Qualities:

  1. Humble
  2. Respectful
  3. Funny
  4. Insightful
  5. Successful
  6. Supportive
  7. Open
  8. Remembers important dates
  9. HONEST
  10. Reliable
  11. Appreciative

What I don’t want:

  1. Arguing (to the minimum)
  2. PMSing (One woman read Me in the relationship is enough)
  3. Don’t talk to me like a child, like I can’t make fucking choices!
  4. Don’t ignore me
  5. Don’t lie to me
  6. Don’t disrespect my friends or family
  7. Don’t tell people about me when we break up.

However, I enjoyed the time I spent with my family. I realized that the love that we share, its without conditions, without boundaries. It’s genuine love. Something I haven’t experienced from any other person apart from my BFF. My ride or die bitch. She’s got my back always. Furthermore, I guess we are young. We can’t expect to meet somebody and settle down with them while other people out there are being taught the hardest of lessons by the powers that be. Lemme enjoy life, the people that want me in theirs and totally ignore the things/persons that don’t make me happy. Hopefully, the hurtful experiences will become less and less as I become older. I turn 21 soon. Its time to put the brakes on A LOT.

The broken arrow will be mended.

xx

 



climax…

The song playing right now is Climax by Usher. The perfect song for what I’m feeling. I’m crying my eyes out. My friends had an intervention for me today. They really don’t like the man in my life. At all. And they have reason to. A relative of his told a friend of mine that he said that I was nothing to him. It’s not serious. We have no future. I feel like shit. To be honest, I don’t know why I thought He would be different. 

He said all the right things, at the right time, and I believed them all. All the empty promises. All the sweet little nothings…All of it was a lie. I can’t believe it. And apparently he has a bad boy thing going on. I didn’t see it. It’s a pattern he has established and he is known for. Why the universe chose me to be his next muse, is beyond me. Especially after all the BS i’ve put up with in the past from significant others. I thought this time the universe was going to cut me some slack. He chose to show me the sides he knew I wanted to see. My BFF is tired of talking about him and this whole situation; She has washed her hands and I quote. This is the only way I can release my frustrations and hopefully move on. Somehow.

 And here I was thinking my friends just want to mess my life up. They have done research on him and they came to me when they have enough proof so that I don’t brush them off as I have been doing for the past few weeks. I have never dated somebody like him, of his supposed class…apparently people of his upbringing socialize with people of a certain caliber and I will never make the cut. Am just a mess…sitted here with a box of tissues, bawling my eyes out.

What the fuck do I do? I don’t even want to look at him or be near him. I hate liars.

Why am I so unlucky?? Shit… 😥


Perspective.

Today is a Tuesday afternoon. I’m watching CNN with my grandmother and they are talking about war going on in Congo…As in as far as my memory goes, they have been fighting always. It’s so sad that somewhere in the world that’s the only life people know. You are born into a family and there is war, you become of age, and you are recruited into the army and you continue to fight this war. And here I am complaining how difficult my life is. Nairobi is relatively peaceful. Yesterday though, there was an explosion in downtown Nairobi and it left a lot of people shaken up. I hope the Alshabaab group from Somali leaves us Kenyans alone!! 

Anyway, I decided today, I’m going to stop fretting about that MAN I have been going on in my last few posts. He made me happy, he took me from that sad place, but now it feels like i’ve reached my end point of taking bullshit from someone. I only take so much. Maybe stuff about me changed, maybe we aren’t compatible anymore. I don’t know. It hurts, but when me and M broke up, I was crushed, I have a whole semester to account for. I don’t want to have other aspects of my life suffering. I think I’m still not ready to have somebody in my life. I still need to accept things about myself, I need to be self confident and to stop second guessing myself so much. When that happens, then I am ready to let someone into my life. To know someone, and to deal with all their flaws and faults…take it all in, and at the end of the day still want to be with them. I blame myself for everything that goes on. I’m going to miss him but it’s time for me to take charge of my life. Life is so short, I’m letting a lot of good things go because am concentrating so much on this undefined relationship. 

My best friend and I are planning a trip. To the South Coast of Kenya. I need to save up for that after I buy my blackberry. This trip we will take is going to be full of bonding and fun and relaxing. There will be no electronics and we will leave our cell phones and laptops in the City. Only cameras to capture the moments. I feel like I need it. To get away from all this bull I have going on in my life right now…those trips really do it for me. I remember when I went to my grandparents farm last December, when I came back I had a different perspective in life.

Its all about perspective. Get yours in check.


It’s in the little things….

This past few days have been quite something. I’m here thinking about getting into another relationship, like seriously considering it. 

There are so many things that are so wrong with it, but I’m at that Que Sera Sera stage that’s not new to me. He likes me, all the sides that I have allowed him to see anyway. He is still getting over some break up, and that’s the only thing holding us back. But we click, I stopped saying all Men are dogs

Of course I don’t know if am totally over M but it’s not painful anymore. I had said that if Me and M broke up, that would be the last relationship I would be in in a long time. But I’m smiling again, I’m not angry at M anymore, am not angry at myself anymore. I miss feeling that I’m important to someone.

This year to be honest, I wanna build life long relationships, I wanna nurture the old relationships that I had from before, the ones that are worth it anyway…

The little things in life are free, hugs, smiles, love, friendship. I’m done with the material. I think life is more wholesome when you realise the importance of the little things. And they are right there, within our reach…and also the other day, I was thinking, “what a sh!t life I have” and then I realised there people who have it worse :/ 


Read between the lines

So shocking revelations were made to me on Valentines Day. Here I was the day before ranting and raving how my life is just a bowl of shit….I think I spoke too soon…:D

So, a friend of mine from Italy let it slip that she likes me a lot and that she wanted to tell me sooner/before I left but I was seeing somebody at the time and it felt like it was a bad idea. She had the most beautiful girlfriend honestly. I was thinking about it that day and asking myself, honestly I’ve got nothing on the ex….beauty is in the eye of the beholder..LOL

But I was also thinking, WHAT IF she fucking told me? It wouldn’t have heart to explore that avenue. I would have applied to school in Milan and seen how that would pan out. Now we’ll never know. So many missed opportunities because of M. Honestly, I refused school in the states, I could have had a shot at happiness? So many things are going through my mind right now. Anyway, it sucks on so many levels, but I’m happy that she let me know. Even though it was a little too late.

                                                                 ***********            

I hate leading a double life. I really do. I wish I was older, had my own money and a job that took me to New York or L.A where everyone minds their own business and you live your life. Living in Kenya and being yourself is such a difficult thing, everybody in your business, everybody feeling like they have to contribute towards an aspect of your life..I honestly hate it. But a friend of mine and I were arguing about this issue and he told me that we are all over people’s shit because at the end of the day, whatever an individual does impacts society. You can’t be all free spirit and shit when there are people somewhere i.e Kids who are looking up to you….ofcourse, I couldn’t care less..But I saw his point.

I’m feeling so uninspired with Law school, I got my results today. They are good! 🙂