This is my new talent.
The Merriam – Webster dictionary defines this it as dividing into categories or sections.
The last two weeks have been the longest in my life. Like I’ve been struggling to get through each day. School started, there are too many wrong things with that particular set up. There is a friend, there is me, there is the MAN I told you about. There was a lot of drama that resulted in me losing both the friend and the MAN…the friend is still lost to me….the MAN is in my life, but out of my reach.
I have this BIG problem with my ego, very big. I don’t let people get away with hurting me just like that. I feel like the many times that I’ve let people get away with wrong things, I’ve gotten hurt so much. I give my happiness to people to keep for me.
I really like this guy, a lot. I know I’m not ready for a relationship just yet, he isn’t either. Of course, as usual, am the one who feels like I’m giving 120% and he is giving 40% and he feels the same way, he’s giving 120% and I’m giving 40%. Our arguments are so intense, and we aren’t even dating, as in we don’t even agree to disagree. I’m just allergic to that type of bullshit…I want the honeymoon period to last forever. I hate fighting. I hate being sad because of a man. It eats at me, and affects all aspects of my life. It’s like he doesn’t get what I’m about anymore. And I want to leave, only if I’ve tried to fix things and I have failed.
I feel completely overwhelmed, I’m overwhelming my brain and I have so many books I have to read…I feel like it’s all that’s clouding my mind.
I need release.
I’m here in my room thinking long and hard. I have exams starting tommorrow, and I’m just so tired. I discovered today that M is finally graduating. I remember when I used to be the first person to know the things going on in M’s life….anyway…I wish M only the best in life.
I read somewhere, that when you forget why you are hurt, then you are healed. I feel like that’s a done story. That ship has sailed, It’s probably in Iceland by now even.
Today, the new man in my life and I met. I have a confession, I am taller than him by half an inch. Today I noticed, I don’t know why. I don’t know why I’m already looking for a reason to jolt. He is perfect. And I haven’t spoken to him the whole day, like from 12 pm and I’m feeling sick. Am I falling in love. I have been reading and drifting off, thinking about him. I feel a bit stupid because we both have exams and I’m probably the one overthinking.
I love his presence in my life…Honestly I do.
I need to pass this exam I have tommorrow, lemme continue reading.
I hope everybody had a good easter weekend, I wish you all the best in the week ahead…xo
Exams are coming up in 2days. I am prepared…I feel like I am. The past month, March was so good to me. I feel like I have never been at a happier place in my life. I feel like am on a constant high of happiness. I think the new man in my life that I mentioned in the earlier blog is responsible.
I have been through so much BS with men, I felt like I was done, then God sent this amazing guy who actually really likes me. Who appreciates me, who finds the weirdest things I do to be the cutest things ever. He tells me am beautiful, he knows what to say when I’m feeling sad. And for him, I think it’s the same thing for him. We realised yesterday that we started talking like each other.
It’s been so long since I felt fucking revered. I appreciate that feeling so much. I want somebody that respects me, who understands me, who adores me, who gives me insight on things. I don’t want people who promote ganja or drink themselves to a stupor or who believe Sex is oxygen. That’s an immature person that cannot sustain a conversation…and those are so important to me, conversations I mean. I want somebody who has ambition, to be something, somebody…who even though they are 21years old, has the sense to avoid self destructive behaviour. I got myself an Old Soul, I like old souls…An old soul is a young person ie 22years old who is mature and doesn’t think like the average 22year old in society right now.
I digress. Exams are coming up. The end of the semester. I am so happy! I hate exams, but the next three weeks are going to be hectic for me. They come to an end on the 27th. I can’t wait for that weekend!! I’m gonna go crazy!
I’m feeling a bit low. I have been reading the Greatness Guide by Robin Sharma and sometimes, I feel really motivated to make a change in my life and try to make a change in the lives of the people around me. I have been so motivated this last two days, but today I woke up, later than usual and I was still so tired. I came to work today, I’m planning a photo shoot for this Sunday. I’m still scouting for the perfect location. Nairobi can be hard to work with sometimes.
I think I’m lonely. Like I need something to take my mind off things. I need a job too, I’m feeling abit broke. I have an audition today, my Agency called me up today and It’s in a few minutes and I’m wondering how i’ll up my mood before then….
One of my close friends had a surprise party this past weekend and it was crazy. I looked so pretty, I have never gotten so many compliments in my life. My day had started on such a low note, I needed all that LOVE I was receiving that night. It was a perfect night. It was the first time I have partied with my new friends and I love them so much, we really went all out!! Then there’s this awesome man I met. He makes me smile, sometimes he makes me so happy, sometimes Not, I feel like he is playing with my heart, and my heart just can’t. So I need to extricate myself from that situation before it escalates into something I can’t control. He is almost perfect but there is still somebody in his life, who he doesn’t want anymore….anyway watch this space, I’ll keep you posted. He is also to blame for the little spring I have in my step nowadays 🙂
Life can get crazy, you might look for reasons why you want to do things and then not do them in the end. I think things should be done because they are fun and they make you happy. Carpe Diem: “Seize the Moment”
This past few days have been quite something. I’m here thinking about getting into another relationship, like seriously considering it.
There are so many things that are so wrong with it, but I’m at that Que Sera Sera stage that’s not new to me. He likes me, all the sides that I have allowed him to see anyway. He is still getting over some break up, and that’s the only thing holding us back. But we click, I stopped saying all Men are dogs
Of course I don’t know if am totally over M but it’s not painful anymore. I had said that if Me and M broke up, that would be the last relationship I would be in in a long time. But I’m smiling again, I’m not angry at M anymore, am not angry at myself anymore. I miss feeling that I’m important to someone.
This year to be honest, I wanna build life long relationships, I wanna nurture the old relationships that I had from before, the ones that are worth it anyway…
The little things in life are free, hugs, smiles, love, friendship. I’m done with the material. I think life is more wholesome when you realise the importance of the little things. And they are right there, within our reach…and also the other day, I was thinking, “what a sh!t life I have” and then I realised there people who have it worse
So shocking revelations were made to me on Valentines Day. Here I was the day before ranting and raving how my life is just a bowl of shit….I think I spoke too soon…:D
So, a friend of mine from Italy let it slip that she likes me a lot and that she wanted to tell me sooner/before I left but I was seeing somebody at the time and it felt like it was a bad idea. She had the most beautiful girlfriend honestly. I was thinking about it that day and asking myself, honestly I’ve got nothing on the ex….beauty is in the eye of the beholder..LOL
But I was also thinking, WHAT IF she fucking told me? It wouldn’t have heart to explore that avenue. I would have applied to school in Milan and seen how that would pan out. Now we’ll never know. So many missed opportunities because of M. Honestly, I refused school in the states, I could have had a shot at happiness? So many things are going through my mind right now. Anyway, it sucks on so many levels, but I’m happy that she let me know. Even though it was a little too late.
I hate leading a double life. I really do. I wish I was older, had my own money and a job that took me to New York or L.A where everyone minds their own business and you live your life. Living in Kenya and being yourself is such a difficult thing, everybody in your business, everybody feeling like they have to contribute towards an aspect of your life..I honestly hate it. But a friend of mine and I were arguing about this issue and he told me that we are all over people’s shit because at the end of the day, whatever an individual does impacts society. You can’t be all free spirit and shit when there are people somewhere i.e Kids who are looking up to you….ofcourse, I couldn’t care less..But I saw his point.
I’m feeling so uninspired with Law school, I got my results today. They are good! 🙂
Honestly, I have the worst feeling ever. I feel like I’m choking. I’m supposed to be ok by now. As in, its the day before valentines and my life just feels like a fucking side show. I was so sure I’d have a Valentine this year. And the thing is I don’t believe in Valentines day. I believe in showing love all through the year, and that the feeling should be mutual. I thought I had that.
I miss M in my life so much, as in the past few days I’ve just been thinking about us. I don’t know why I’m holding on, I don’t know what i’m holding on to. I think there is an ex involved in my tumultuous relationship. I can’t explain it. I just have a feeling because how else would you explain an ex showing up all of a sudden in pictures?
I have exams tommorrow, two of them, but my mind can’t concentrate. I have this sinking feeling, it’s just depressing me.
Love is for fuckers. I quit drinking somehow, I indulge only when I have to. I quit smoking too completely but then again, with me you are never too sure about things. Sometimes I wonder if there’s really anything to live for.
Anyways, Nairobi is so hot!
The Broken Arrow will be mended.