Tag Archives: Dating

How I lost myself

Am a terrible person. I really am. I have pushed away people that I think really have my best interests at heart. For what? A guy? A shot at happiness? Saying goodbye to loneliness? Saying goodbye to the all to familiar feeling of reject?

I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. It’s all so overwhelming. I cry sometimes out of the blue. Like I’ll be talking to a someone in the hall at school and I will excuse myself, walk into a bathroom stall and cry for a good five minutes, then come out like nothing ever happened with a big smile.

I don’t know how to approach this situation. I feel totally disconnected with these new friends I made that I told you about. I feel like we are so different. And we are such a big group. I suck at being friends with a group of  girls. I’ve never been one to have a big group of friends that I have to let into my life. Never. So when it happened, I embraced it. And being so eager to ‘please’ everyone, I guess I lost myself. Around this time, I met this amazing guy, who also happens to be a friend of the group. There has been so many issues the last two months. I can’t even describe myself in one word.

I hate it. Because I’ve always wanted to have my sh!t together, to look unfazed by everything. I’m such an easy book to read nowadays.

We have kind of dissolved things with the man in my life. But I don’t know why I’m not happy anymore. I feel like I have to constantly prove myself, or make myself heard, or wanted. And that’s not what an almost relationship should be about. We should still be at that honeymoon phase where there was a spring in my step, a permanent smile on my face. Good vibes first thing in the morning….I like him, but I feel like I have to prove myself so much to him. Then there is the aspect of him not liking me as much as I like him. And the realization of how true those words are when you hear them from someone else looking into your relationship. A mutual friend.

I ask myself at the back of my head though, why we should have so many back and forth discussions that make me feel like shit & guilty when it’s not even my fault most of the time..We aren’t even dating, which is what we agreed on. Which is why I think he is justified in the way he behaves. Towards me. Towards this ‘relationship’ of ours.

He thinks I’m pushing him away, It’s my insecurities. I hate to be made to feel stupid, that I have no substance in my head. I’ve had a lot of that, and maybe it feels like am pushing him away when I’m busy trying to quell my insecurities and be taken seriously for once in my life. Maybe there are some things that I should come clean about in my life, but I feel like it’s the past. I let the past affect me. Never. OK I try like shit to just bottle all that shit up. But I’m very insecure about myself, I don’t try to impress people, I just want everyone to approve of me.And right now I’m just feeling like I’m a bitch and that’s what everyone thinks and that they can’t trust me. or Rely on me. I feign indifference. But I go home everyday and I just feel like I wasted a whole day. I thought getting a new job would extricate me from all this shit going on in school but I still haven’t gotten any word on it. So am stuck in school, and I hate being there. I wish I could separate my life from it. All of it.

I don’t know what new project I should start…my best friend was telling me she wishes I took my trip to Italy at this point in my life with all this issues I have going on. And looking back, last year at a time like this was terrible for me. I used to feel like this all the time. Maybe it’s just an unlucky time in my life..I should be preparing by like May of every year for terrible things to happen to me. But I feel like if I run away from this many problems of mine, I won’t have learnt from the mistakes that made me leave 2 years ago.

Side Note: I honestly have no fucking idea about how to handle this situation. I need Help or a helper.


March was Awesome.

Exams are coming up in 2days. I am prepared…I feel like I am. The past month, March was so good to me. I feel like I have never been at a happier place in my life. I feel like am on a constant high of happiness. I think the new man in my life that I mentioned in the earlier blog is responsible.

I have been through so much BS with men, I felt like I was done, then God sent this amazing guy who actually really likes me. Who appreciates me, who finds the weirdest things I do to be the cutest things ever. He tells me am beautiful, he knows what to say when I’m feeling sad. And for him, I think it’s the same thing for him. We realised yesterday that we started talking like each other.

It’s been so long since I felt fucking revered. I appreciate that feeling so much. I  want somebody that respects me, who understands me, who adores me, who gives me insight on things. I don’t want people who promote ganja or drink themselves to a stupor or who believe Sex is oxygen. That’s an immature person that cannot sustain a conversation…and those are so important to me, conversations I mean. I want somebody who has ambition, to be something, somebody…who even though they are 21years old, has the sense to avoid self destructive behaviour. I got myself an Old Soul, I like old souls…An old soul is a young person ie 22years old who is mature and doesn’t think like the average 22year old in society right now.

I digress. Exams are coming up. The end of the semester. I am so happy! I hate exams, but the next three weeks are going to be hectic for me. They come to an end on the 27th. I can’t wait for that weekend!! I’m gonna go crazy!


The 3Ls

I woke up in the morning with an allergic reaction and I took some medicine that made me sleep the whole day, meaning I had to skip work. I didn’t do anything with myself, no work, no english lesson – the student I was meant to meet went to the spa today and she sent me a text that she will go tomorrow and Friday too. I wish we could trade places.

I can’t wait to go home, the days are so few already. But something interesting happened today, I talked to my babe, technically we haven’t made it official or anything and I wish I could go stand outside on my rooftop terrace and shout till they hear me. I like that we’re taking things slow, and that we were friends before anything, and we understand each other. Nobody, knows what I really feel inside, when I’m hurting, when I’m happy – but I can talk about this things with this person.

And very few people know about us, its better to keep it that way because I’m superstitious like that. I don’t want people to jinx the relationship even before it ‘starts’. But I’m in a happy place. I won’t stop saying that. And its because of this new addition in my life. . . Today we were talking and this is what I said:

Life is so unpredictable and short, I can’t make myself suffer…Drake sums up everything I’m tryna say here: Everybody dies but not everybody lives…I don’t want to just exist, I want to live.

And I swear I’ve never felt so alive…doing things that you want to do, being with people that you want to be with, saying things that you want to say…why shouldn’t life be that simple?? It can be.

Live

Laugh

Love.
Life is too fucking short…#truestory

xx


. . .Am i Expecting too much. . .

When your lover is way older than you and you’re barely out of teenagehood, you begin to think you have a problem.
You begin to want more than he can give, you want to find reasons why you shouldn’t be together, and its more or less a tug of war between the two of you, because you are seeing all the stuff that’s wrong with you guys and he is seeing how perfect his life is becoming.

She wished that was a problem between her and Mister A. He was 31 years old, and as someone aptly put it, he’s life was MADE. She on the other hand hasn’t even started living. Did she always want to impose on him? Making him pay for all the dinners in the expensive restaurants? No, I guess not.

How did they meet? She was out with her friends one Saturday night and he invited them to sit on their table because there was no space anywhere else…one drink became 2, and then before she knew it, she had given him her phone number. He called later to find out if she’d reached home ok. Then the next weekend again she invited him to watch her favourite band playing and then the next thing they knew they were in his car. And lets just say, they weren’t friends anymore. They became more. She tried to stop seeing him but he wasn’t taking No for an answer. Now she knew his house, she knew where the plates go and where the towels are . . .

And then when she started getting used to the fact that he wasn’t going to leave, it started getting weird. He told her she was too demanding. Her friends told her she has to stop causing so much drama. She found nothing wrong in asking where he was and with who. What nobody knew is that she was so scared inside. So scared of being alone. So happy right now that there was somebody on her arm whenever she went out in public. So she decided she had to out an end to this, she knew she would fall for him to a point that it would be hard to let him go. And then she did.

What do I learn from this unfortunate situation?

Personally and it has also been proven scientifically that girls mature faster than guys. Mothers (Mine included) are always pushing us to be self independent, learning how to cook, do the laundry, all that home making B***S*** and as  a result the normal ones like me hate to do all these things but in the end it helps because we are more mature. The guys on the contrary are too attached to their mothers. The moms are afraid of letting go off their little babies. So you will never find a man in the kitchen, you won’t find him doing his own laundry even when he is 25 years old. And living with your mum isn’t cool at all. Like really!! I could go on and on

So if this girl fell for this guy, we should consider the reasons why.

  1. First of all we should consider the fact that they had intellectual conversations. They weren’t talking about marijuana or play station and all that nonsense. This is someone she could sit with, who would talk to her about the meaning of  life, about people, about politics, about the importance of self-worth, about books,and she learned more and more.
  2. Relationships in which the man is substantially older are often viewed as unconventional, yet the man usually assumes a very traditional role, protecting and looking after his partner. And that is what she craved. The protection the assurance, the looking after. Which young guy can do that nowadays? They are so vain, thinking of nobody but themselves.
  3. An older guy is ready to settle down you know. He’s not like these young bucks who want to fuck like 30 women a year to be considered cool. He’s passed that stage in his life. He’s ready to be in just one relationship, and fully commit to it. And we aren’t talking about marriage.
  4. And maybe she just felt that he would be different, from the jerks she had dated. That eventually she would find that happiness she craved for so much.Cons
  1. That the man just wanted to get some with this young girl. Period.
  2. He wanted a pretty toy to show off to his friends
  3. He assumed that he wasn’t the only man in her life, because even though he denied it, he assumed he was too old, and there were better looking men than him
  4. She was scared of how society would judge her, he was scared too.
  5. He realised after the calls and the texts asking him where he was, she was to much of a child for him. She had to leave.

So you can say I’m for this kind of relationships because trust me there are no men left in this world:

Real men who call you in the morning to tell you to have a beautiful day, men who call the radio station that you are listening to at that particular time to dedicate you’re best song to you.

Men who aren’t afraid to hold you’re hand in public, men who aren’t afraid to kiss your forehead for nothing. Men who say I LOVE YOU first; those that aren’t afraid to say it first.

Men who understand that a  relationship is a sacred thing, and again I AM NOT TALKING about marriage. And no, I’ve not watched too many movies.

I want a guy with ambition. Being a pusher is not a plus at all, being in school, and taking it seriously is. It means you can separate the important things and the bullshit.

I want a guy who spoils me rotten you know, not things that will make you go broke. Silly little things like the sweets she likes, all her favourite songs in a CD

I want a man who can be a true friend. Someone who will LISTEN to me. Someone I can share my good times and my problems with. Are you there when it matters most? Are you there for the small stuff, too?

A woman needs to feel beautiful, sexy, and feminine. She needs to enjoy all those things that comes with being a woman. You have to give the compliments where they are due.

So anyways, that’s what I had to say today. I believe in all that nonsense.

The broken arrow will be mended. S

Shashai…Xx