Tag Archives: Italy

How I lost myself

Am a terrible person. I really am. I have pushed away people that I think really have my best interests at heart. For what? A guy? A shot at happiness? Saying goodbye to loneliness? Saying goodbye to the all to familiar feeling of reject?

I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. It’s all so overwhelming. I cry sometimes out of the blue. Like I’ll be talking to a someone in the hall at school and I will excuse myself, walk into a bathroom stall and cry for a good five minutes, then come out like nothing ever happened with a big smile.

I don’t know how to approach this situation. I feel totally disconnected with these new friends I made that I told you about. I feel like we are so different. And we are such a big group. I suck at being friends with a group of  girls. I’ve never been one to have a big group of friends that I have to let into my life. Never. So when it happened, I embraced it. And being so eager to ‘please’ everyone, I guess I lost myself. Around this time, I met this amazing guy, who also happens to be a friend of the group. There has been so many issues the last two months. I can’t even describe myself in one word.

I hate it. Because I’ve always wanted to have my sh!t together, to look unfazed by everything. I’m such an easy book to read nowadays.

We have kind of dissolved things with the man in my life. But I don’t know why I’m not happy anymore. I feel like I have to constantly prove myself, or make myself heard, or wanted. And that’s not what an almost relationship should be about. We should still be at that honeymoon phase where there was a spring in my step, a permanent smile on my face. Good vibes first thing in the morning….I like him, but I feel like I have to prove myself so much to him. Then there is the aspect of him not liking me as much as I like him. And the realization of how true those words are when you hear them from someone else looking into your relationship. A mutual friend.

I ask myself at the back of my head though, why we should have so many back and forth discussions that make me feel like shit & guilty when it’s not even my fault most of the time..We aren’t even dating, which is what we agreed on. Which is why I think he is justified in the way he behaves. Towards me. Towards this ‘relationship’ of ours.

He thinks I’m pushing him away, It’s my insecurities. I hate to be made to feel stupid, that I have no substance in my head. I’ve had a lot of that, and maybe it feels like am pushing him away when I’m busy trying to quell my insecurities and be taken seriously for once in my life. Maybe there are some things that I should come clean about in my life, but I feel like it’s the past. I let the past affect me. Never. OK I try like shit to just bottle all that shit up. But I’m very insecure about myself, I don’t try to impress people, I just want everyone to approve of me.And right now I’m just feeling like I’m a bitch and that’s what everyone thinks and that they can’t trust me. or Rely on me. I feign indifference. But I go home everyday and I just feel like I wasted a whole day. I thought getting a new job would extricate me from all this shit going on in school but I still haven’t gotten any word on it. So am stuck in school, and I hate being there. I wish I could separate my life from it. All of it.

I don’t know what new project I should start…my best friend was telling me she wishes I took my trip to Italy at this point in my life with all this issues I have going on. And looking back, last year at a time like this was terrible for me. I used to feel like this all the time. Maybe it’s just an unlucky time in my life..I should be preparing by like May of every year for terrible things to happen to me. But I feel like if I run away from this many problems of mine, I won’t have learnt from the mistakes that made me leave 2 years ago.

Side Note: I honestly have no fucking idea about how to handle this situation. I need Help or a helper.


.Homestretch.

I really need to post something today because I just need to, its been long, that’s all. I won’t give a smart answer.

This past weekend had me all over the place having those last moments with the people that mattered the most to me while I was here. And they all insisted that I cook something from home for them…I made Pilau and Chapati…I should have done something simpler you think….well, I don’t like Ugali that much so that one was out. I decided though to just risk it whether my efforts backfire or not, whether my rice ends up looking like ugali and my chapatis become pancakes…I was content with the fact that they don’t really know how they both taste so I was safe, and also the fact that this was a way of thanking them for the hospitality….I wanted to share with them a part of where I come from.

It was a bit sad really. Surprisingly that story has a happy ending, the food and everything…no tears! 🙂

Next week I will write down the lessons that I have learnt. Today I’m a bit sad. I had the last day at the office. I never thought that I would get attached let alone emotional about it….but I haven’t handed in the key yet. I think the most painful moment will be when I’m handing Max the key to the apartment…I’m sure I’ll weep even.

Today I have been listening to 3songs on rewind…*Mbiguni, Malikia* and Coming Home all by Sauti Sol off their Sol Filosofia Album.

Mbiguni I must say just touches the innermost parts of me….I don’t know if it’s a love song, but to me not really. Its just this song, when I listen to the words, I just want to cry. I relate to this song on all levels. I wish I heard this song like 6-8 months ago, a lot would have been different. Basically with this song, they are talking about heaven, this girl who is tired of her life, she looks to heaven, she wants to reach heaven – you can interpret this literally or figuratively.

I don’t know what made me think that coming to Italy would solve the problems that I had, it just put them on hold. I go back in a few days and face them. But the best part is I know what to do. I’m not blank, I have grown.

I’m a lucky girl. I’m grateful to God for my family, my friends, my good health, and for this far that he’s brought me. Unfortunately, I’ll say the truth that this past few months I think I can say I have talked to God for a total of 10hours, something that I’m not proud of at all….and somehow all my shitty situations worked out, and I always thought I will sort my shit out alone…but I’ve been thinking about it this past few days, and I can say that its been him…all the way it was only Him.

*Mbiguni – Heaven in Swahili

*Malikia – Queen in Swahili

And I meet my mum in a few days. I’m going to Finland, my friend sent me an email and told me its -15degrees…the fuck?? I almost cancelled my flight. But I’ve  really missed my mum. I am so excited to see her!! I wonder if she’ll  recognise me, LOL, I kid. I know she will….that is making me smile so hard right now. I hope to take many pics, and I get to be in Prague too!!!…That’s my dream destination….its so fucking beautiful!! I have a stop over there for a few hours so I will take full advantage. I’m very excited.

A random pic for you all…I love Oxfords…!!

Kisses Everyone…Remember Live, Love, Laugh….there’s so much beauty in everything.

xxx


26days

I have less than a month left…The anticipation for going home is on a whole new level now because of many reasons as you can imagine. Only right now at the moment, I can’t think of even one. In other news, I had an interesting conversation last night, I know life’s challenges aren’t meant to be faced alone now…hahaha

Ok, pardon me for digressing.. (I used the BIG word again) Like seriously, I have less than a month left in Italy and I have this anticipation yes, but I don’t know what exactly, I am happy to leave and sad at the same time. I met a few amazing people who inspite of all this emo-ness I sometimes have going on, they actually see the good parts and they like me, so I’m really sad that I have to leave, Its sad too when I look at them and they don’t want to think that our time together is over. I’m used to this life now, but I think my time here is done..you know how the wise people say that there is a time for everything, well I think that my time here is done. And I’m happy that I met this amazing people,  and the times we had together. But its time to pack my suitcases and go home and figure out the next step…I’m so happy!!!!!

I hope its not the end though, like how you promise to talk to the BFFs you have in high school and its 2years later and you’ve only met once after promising that you will have weekly meetings and talk everyday..those are the same mistakes I don’t want to repeat now…I hate disappointments.  So I will be casual about the goodbyes, I have to be, but my tears always have this way of showing up no matter how awesome or shitty the situation is…so i know I will cry…that aspect of me hasn’t changed.

 

But I’m in a happy place 🙂

ps: I  miss You babe…I’m coming home!! :)*