So am almost turning 21. So much has happened this year.
I’ve learnt so many lessons,made some new friends, lost some etc etc
I have no idea what to do for my 21st. I’m thinking a quiet get away for me myself and I. I don’t want anything over the top because I honestly don’t feel like being around people.
But there’s so much going on during that weekend. I really wish I had a significant other. The most previous one disappointed me so much, they’ve been other women in his life. I feel like the rebound chick. Never thought I’d be biting that end of the stick.
But then again,it is said that a lesson is taught over and over until you learn. Each time, the lesson is more painful.
Am jusy ay a weird place right now.
But don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the things I do have. Sometimes we dwell so much on the negatives, and the past that we forget to appreciate the present moment. Right now for example am sitted at a pizzeria…I like how I’m right in the middle of people but I’ve blocked all the noise out. And am looking out into the street and everyone is doing their own shit.
Life goes on. No matter what you think you’re facing; Life goes on.
Pick yourself up.
The broken arrow will be mended.
Today is a Tuesday afternoon. I’m watching CNN with my grandmother and they are talking about war going on in Congo…As in as far as my memory goes, they have been fighting always. It’s so sad that somewhere in the world that’s the only life people know. You are born into a family and there is war, you become of age, and you are recruited into the army and you continue to fight this war. And here I am complaining how difficult my life is. Nairobi is relatively peaceful. Yesterday though, there was an explosion in downtown Nairobi and it left a lot of people shaken up. I hope the Alshabaab group from Somali leaves us Kenyans alone!!
Anyway, I decided today, I’m going to stop fretting about that MAN I have been going on in my last few posts. He made me happy, he took me from that sad place, but now it feels like i’ve reached my end point of taking bullshit from someone. I only take so much. Maybe stuff about me changed, maybe we aren’t compatible anymore. I don’t know. It hurts, but when me and M broke up, I was crushed, I have a whole semester to account for. I don’t want to have other aspects of my life suffering. I think I’m still not ready to have somebody in my life. I still need to accept things about myself, I need to be self confident and to stop second guessing myself so much. When that happens, then I am ready to let someone into my life. To know someone, and to deal with all their flaws and faults…take it all in, and at the end of the day still want to be with them. I blame myself for everything that goes on. I’m going to miss him but it’s time for me to take charge of my life. Life is so short, I’m letting a lot of good things go because am concentrating so much on this undefined relationship.
My best friend and I are planning a trip. To the South Coast of Kenya. I need to save up for that after I buy my blackberry. This trip we will take is going to be full of bonding and fun and relaxing. There will be no electronics and we will leave our cell phones and laptops in the City. Only cameras to capture the moments. I feel like I need it. To get away from all this bull I have going on in my life right now…those trips really do it for me. I remember when I went to my grandparents farm last December, when I came back I had a different perspective in life.
Its all about perspective. Get yours in check.
I’m feeling a bit low. I have been reading the Greatness Guide by Robin Sharma and sometimes, I feel really motivated to make a change in my life and try to make a change in the lives of the people around me. I have been so motivated this last two days, but today I woke up, later than usual and I was still so tired. I came to work today, I’m planning a photo shoot for this Sunday. I’m still scouting for the perfect location. Nairobi can be hard to work with sometimes.
I think I’m lonely. Like I need something to take my mind off things. I need a job too, I’m feeling abit broke. I have an audition today, my Agency called me up today and It’s in a few minutes and I’m wondering how i’ll up my mood before then….
One of my close friends had a surprise party this past weekend and it was crazy. I looked so pretty, I have never gotten so many compliments in my life. My day had started on such a low note, I needed all that LOVE I was receiving that night. It was a perfect night. It was the first time I have partied with my new friends and I love them so much, we really went all out!! Then there’s this awesome man I met. He makes me smile, sometimes he makes me so happy, sometimes Not, I feel like he is playing with my heart, and my heart just can’t. So I need to extricate myself from that situation before it escalates into something I can’t control. He is almost perfect but there is still somebody in his life, who he doesn’t want anymore….anyway watch this space, I’ll keep you posted. He is also to blame for the little spring I have in my step nowadays 🙂
Life can get crazy, you might look for reasons why you want to do things and then not do them in the end. I think things should be done because they are fun and they make you happy. Carpe Diem: “Seize the Moment”
This past few days have been quite something. I’m here thinking about getting into another relationship, like seriously considering it.
There are so many things that are so wrong with it, but I’m at that Que Sera Sera stage that’s not new to me. He likes me, all the sides that I have allowed him to see anyway. He is still getting over some break up, and that’s the only thing holding us back. But we click, I stopped saying all Men are dogs
Of course I don’t know if am totally over M but it’s not painful anymore. I had said that if Me and M broke up, that would be the last relationship I would be in in a long time. But I’m smiling again, I’m not angry at M anymore, am not angry at myself anymore. I miss feeling that I’m important to someone.
This year to be honest, I wanna build life long relationships, I wanna nurture the old relationships that I had from before, the ones that are worth it anyway…
The little things in life are free, hugs, smiles, love, friendship. I’m done with the material. I think life is more wholesome when you realise the importance of the little things. And they are right there, within our reach…and also the other day, I was thinking, “what a sh!t life I have” and then I realised there people who have it worse
So shocking revelations were made to me on Valentines Day. Here I was the day before ranting and raving how my life is just a bowl of shit….I think I spoke too soon…:D
So, a friend of mine from Italy let it slip that she likes me a lot and that she wanted to tell me sooner/before I left but I was seeing somebody at the time and it felt like it was a bad idea. She had the most beautiful girlfriend honestly. I was thinking about it that day and asking myself, honestly I’ve got nothing on the ex….beauty is in the eye of the beholder..LOL
But I was also thinking, WHAT IF she fucking told me? It wouldn’t have heart to explore that avenue. I would have applied to school in Milan and seen how that would pan out. Now we’ll never know. So many missed opportunities because of M. Honestly, I refused school in the states, I could have had a shot at happiness? So many things are going through my mind right now. Anyway, it sucks on so many levels, but I’m happy that she let me know. Even though it was a little too late.
I hate leading a double life. I really do. I wish I was older, had my own money and a job that took me to New York or L.A where everyone minds their own business and you live your life. Living in Kenya and being yourself is such a difficult thing, everybody in your business, everybody feeling like they have to contribute towards an aspect of your life..I honestly hate it. But a friend of mine and I were arguing about this issue and he told me that we are all over people’s shit because at the end of the day, whatever an individual does impacts society. You can’t be all free spirit and shit when there are people somewhere i.e Kids who are looking up to you….ofcourse, I couldn’t care less..But I saw his point.
I’m feeling so uninspired with Law school, I got my results today. They are good! 🙂
- even after all that I’ve proven to the parents, they still don’t trust me.
- funny how those closest to you have this way of letting you down the most
- The world doesn’t stop for your grief, same things when you die..
- How your dreams make you or break you
- you choose to let someone in, only for them to leave before you need them to
- you think you need change because someone else saw it fit
- family should be there most but they really aren’t
- the one I loved, grew out of love before I did
- I want this picture perfect life, but I’m still searching for the strength to pursue it
- funny how right now, I could just jump out the window and end this shit…but I won’t. I still believe not all is lost.
The Broken Arrow will be mended –